Hey! I’ve mentioned in a couple of posts that I struggle with boundaries and setting them in a healthy way. I’ve been digging through a lot of books and manuals to finally understand both my apprehension and underlying issues of saying no to people. Having matured enough I’ve finally realized that the act of drawing a line is in fact the highest expression of self-love and a way to boost my self-worth. I read a very wise sentence the other day that I want to share with you: “The way that people treat you is a reflection of how they see you, but the way you let people treat you is a reflection of how you see yourself”. And that very phrase helped me understand the inevitable connection between my inability to set boundaries and my own insecurities. Once I got that I knew it was time to get down to work and first of all start loving myself and second of all master the art of saying “no”.
One of the books that was very helpful in that process was a book by Drs.Henry Cloud and John Towsend who wrote a magnificent New York Post bestseller with a simple title referring to the issue: Boundaries. This book comes with a workbook that gives you a set of useful exercises to practice the art of setting boundaries. I must say that It truly helped me to gain control and learn to put my foot down when it comes to protecting myself and getting out of potentially destructive friendships and relationships. I’ve learnt that to know your personal limits first you have to do a major work on getting to know yourself. Find out what your triggers are and learn to communicate your needs and insecurities to people who keep pushing your buttons. I understood that true self-love comes with the responsibility of you teaching the others around you about what winds you up and asking them to respect your space. You need to define yourself and say openly what you are comfortable or not comfortable with. Setting healthy boundaries is crucial to creating healthy relationships with people but also to preserve your own emotional and mental state. They help to manage stress and prevent burnouts, they foster respect and understanding in relationships and definitely reinforce your own self-worth and boost your confidence.
But you may ask how to set those boundaries? Well .. we’ll explore that further in an upcoming Thursday article but let me tell you – the beginnings are difficult. Especially that it does require actually stopping and taking time to reflect on your own experiences and expectations. Nowadays we have so little time to stop and think and do some work on ourselves plus by nature most of us equate setting boundaries with potential conflict. But you need to understand that it’s exactly opposite. Boundaries are there for avoiding any future conflicts and uncomfortable situations. Standing up for yourself is an attractive feature of character and teaching people about you is a lesson they need to learn in order to respect you and love you in a better way.
So you need to learn about your limits first, then please communicate them clearly and directly to people around you. Don’t forget to use “I” statements to say what you need at this or that moment. Setting boundaries is one thing but you also need to work on enforcing them and staying consistent – if you put your foot down and then you change your mind, don’t be surprised that in fact you’re teaching people that you’re easy to manipulate. Learn to say “NO” and always remember that in fact it is a complete sentence. Don’t be afraid to protect your own well-being and energy. You don’t have to justify your boundaries but it’s helpful to explain to people in an informative, kind way how their actions influence your mood and attitude. It’s also a good idea to regularly check in with yourself just to make sure that your boundaries are respected and adjust them if needed – it might happen that you would need to shift your decision due to various circumstances. Yet if you still find it difficult to work on your boundaries please consult a therapist or a counselor on it, as reading books and watching countless youtube videos doesn’t work for everyone. Yet I can recommend to you a useful YouTube clip of Julia Kristina who explains clearly in her video about how boundaries actually work.
And most of all please understand that reinforcing boundaries is actually you loving yourself. And you know and I know that you’re worthy of love, kindness and support so maybe it’s high time to start showing it to yourself. Boundaries are about preservation and not controlling others. By establishing and maintaining your limits, you protect your mental and emotional health, enhance your relationships, and create a more balanced, fulfilling life. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize yourself and your needs. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
And remember you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm!
Love yourself & in touch!
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