Hey! Anyone who has ever been married knows it’s a wild ride. First you go through all those traps of choosing “the right one”, countless dates, getting to know one another, vetting the potential candidate and then when you finally both decide to spend life together, you tie the knot and.. you find out that the “marriage manual” doesn’t exists or nothing you read online about building a healthy marriage just doesn’t apply to your relationship. It doesn’t really matter how old you are when you say “yes” and set your foot towards the unknown. What I’ve found out is that no one and nothing can prepare you for what’s about to come. All I got from my mom before I got married was “it’s hard work”… but she failed to mention that in fact it’s work that needs to be equally performed by two involved sides, not only one. I find it surprising that as much knowledge as I gained till my 30s from my university, from my teachers, family or friends – no one actually teaches you HOW to be married and make it last “till death do us part”. No one gives you advice when you struggle, because they “ don’t want to meddle” and “it’s your life”. So you’re facing an impossible task of navigating something that you have absolutely zero clue about. My marriage failed after just a couple of years and I regret not having read more and educate myself more on the intricacies of long lasting relationships but also not vetting my partner enough before I actually agreed to spend the rest of my life with him.
But now I’m happy that I went through that painful lesson and although I’m still clueless on the marriage front and I don’t think I would ever risk going there again, I can say that I did some solid work on myself and I learnt a lot about relationships in my 40s. Today I want to share some of my findings about how to help yourself to build a healthy marriage. First and foremost VET your partner well and for as long as you can. Take your time to evaluate whether you and your potential partner share similar goals, values and lifestyles. I don’t need to mention that in order to do so you need to know yourself first, so don’t be scared to dive in and develop your own sense of identity. Vetting also helps you recognize any early warning signs about your uncompatibility. Please pay close attention to things like communication styles, conflict resolution, how they treat others and how they approach negative or difficult situations in their life. Also by gradually getting to know your partner and observing them you build trust through open communication and mutual respect.
Once you have decided that he/she’s “the right one” please do some research and reading together on the “healthy marriage” cornerstones – sit and plan your common goals, agree on monthly check-ins on your partner and BUILD your relationship consciously rather than jump in and hope for the best. What I’ve learnt from my marriage was one sad thing namely “love is not enough”. You should not build your marriage on the sheer belief that you will be happy forever after only because you love one another. It’s simply not true. Every healthy relationship requires an amazing amount of effort, commitment and work from both parties to make it work. Do you think a house built from leaves would withstand a storm? Of course you need solid foundations and two dedicated workers to construct a solid palace for you and your future prince. I will just mention a few of the important factors that I wish I had worked on before I got married. You can start by educating yourself with this book that is an interesting guide to building a healthy marriage
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is a key point to any healthy marriage. Remember that both genders communicate their needs differently, so please learn to identify the differences, learn to listen actively and deeply, express your feelings accordingly and resolve conflicts together. Spend a lot of QUALITY TIME TOGETHER because you won’t be happy together unless you learn to make time for each other. Schedule regular date nights, enjoy shared hobbies or simply relax and unwind together. It also would help you if you try new experiences or keep the romance alive no matter how long you’ve been married for. What you also need for your solid foundation is mutual RESPECT AND SUPPORT. When both partners respect each other’s intelligence and common sense, disagreements become opportunities for growth. Mutual respect fosters effective communication, leading to better conflict resolution and a stronger bond.In a respectful relationship, partners embrace each other’s varying values and approaches to life. Whether it’s physical appearance, materialism, religion, or lifestyle choices, mutual respect allows acceptance without judgment.
What do you think of when I mention INTIMACY? Of course I know what you might think of… but believe it or not – there are a couple of different intimacy levels. There is physical, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual intimacy. Are you surprised? I was as well.. yes! Please educate yourself on ALL intimacy levels and work on all of them together with your partner. If you don’t believe me – read about it here. It’s really difficult to work on something that you don’t even know exists or? Don’t forget to constantly update each other on your life, schedules, plans – WORK AS A TEAM because ever since you put that ring on the finger you became a team which is what so many of us forget. And we should use both our strengths to support each other through life’s ups and downs, share responsibilities and make decisions jointly. Remember also that nobody is perfect and I assure you – being married will be a winding road of discovering things in your partner that you didn’t know existed. Because you will miss some of the red flags or ignore them in the vetting process. But I strongly believe that unless it’s something that disagrees with your core beliefs – you and your partner can work through your differences and PRACTISE FORGIVENESS. Conflicts in marriage will happen and should happen. But if you learn to forgive each other, let go of the grudges and move on – you will be stronger than ever. And please – if you feel that your partner is not giving you what you need, you start growing apart and your communication fails miserably – immediately SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP, facing challenges in your marriage is a normal and natural thing, but not doing anything about them because “it will be okay” is the mistake we all make. Professional guidance can provide both of you with valuable tools to navigate the rough patches.
I do wish someone had educated me on those important things before I got married. That I did not enter my relationship as a blind kitten and didn’t vet my partner before I decided to say yes. I had to learn the hard way that marriage is definitely a challenge in itself and in fact when you choose the wrong person it does make you feel trapped. We both failed to understand that a healthy marriage requires effort, commitment, and a willingness to grow together. I hope that by following the tips I mentioned above and investing in your relationship, you can build a strong foundation for a lasting and fulfilling partnership.
If you are about to get married – CONGRATULATIONS! And if you have been married for some time – CONGRATULATIONS times two ! You made it work and I’m proud of you! Remember it takes two to tango and half the success lies in choosing the RIGHT person for you. Good luck! Cheers to a lifetime of love, laughter, and happily ever after in your thriving marriage!
Catch soon!
/A.
